The Diary of Erk
by Ivanfanatic
Summary: Yay. Finally Entries 21 to 25 are here.
1. Entries 1 through 4

As you all know by now, FF.N previously banned this. I am not sure who reported it or WHY they reported it, but congradulations! You're an idiot. Did you honestly think I wasn't going to repost this? Sure I left FF.N for awhile and deleted all of my fics, but it wasn't fair to everyone ELSE who LIKED my fics. Consider this a warning. Report me all you want, ban me all you want, but I'm going to continue posting and reposting this until it is complete. I don't post this for my own glory, you know. I post this for the people who want to read it. I've grown weary of sympathy mail and for heaven's sake I'm going to take out the script and write the clips storywise so the idiot who reported me shuts up and goes to find someone else to harrass. There will be no other authors notes on the other entries. I do not own Fire Emblem, Erk, or any companies or objects mentioned in any of the chapters. If you don't want to read this, then go away. It is useless to try and banish me, you will fail.

Now... let's try this again, shall we?

* * *

Day 1

Weather is Foggy and Cold

Location is Dread Isle, Kate's (tactician) tent (well it beats Merlinus's tent...)

Just a minor battle involving a few bandits and riding archers today. There was one Shaman (one of those extremely annoying Nosferatu ones that ALWAYS seem to head straight for the healers) who nearly took out Lucius but Eliwood got to him first. Of course, Serra has been complaining nonstop that she's being worked overtime because Priscilla is still out of the fight (not like she hit anything to begin with, she was just a healer on a horse. Yeah.)

Also we had "problems" with Florina's sister, Fiona, or Fiora, or... something. I'm starting to think Pegasus knights aren't too bright. They're physically not too strong and are very prone to archer attacks.

So the intelligent one flies STRAIGHT into a pit of horseback archers, leaving Sain (ew) and I to fend about 6 of them off. (Did I mention its foggy out?) It's a bit irritating that she doesn't listen to Kate too much (Really, the only one she TRIED to get rid of was Sain, and that was by sending him into a hoard of axeman armed with only a steel lance... that was actually a bit funny, but anyway...)

Guy is definently improving, same with Matthew and Lyn. Raven just has issues (and pink bunny pajamas). I really can't think of much else that happened... Wil's inteligence hasn't improved in the slightest and Sain got his face knocked in when he tried hitting on Rebecca in front of Hector. Kent still thinks he's self-proclaimed second in command to Lyn (which is fine with everyone, it suits him well and he's good at it. Yes, that was my kind comment for the day.) And Ninian...well... she... well she still has temporary amnesia but still, wetting yourself is NOT a liable excuse.

I really can't think of anything else to say about the day... Dinner sucked (Sain was cooking, what'd you expect) and Lucius whined about his arm hurting until Serra finally knocked him out with her staff. If she would actually learn how to use a lance or something she'd become rather useful.

Lord Eliwood is sneaking out of his tent again. He's probably going to "borrow" some things from Merlinus before heading over towards Lyn's tent. I wonder if he knows that Kent is on guard du- nevermind, he does now. Loser.

I'm done, this qualifies as a page in my book. I'm hearing odd noises from Merlinus' tent again. He and that old woman (hannah or something) are disturbingly... I'm going to leave it at that. Kate wants her desk for awhile anyway so I'm going to bed.

Anima Sage, Erk

Day 2

Weather is Sunny and luke warm

Location is Pirate ship apparently...

We're finally going back to the mainland today. I'm tired of not having any supplies or fresh water (and Sain's cooking). That's the last time I let Eliwood or Kate talk me into accompanying anyone to a forsaken island where your chances of living are next to none (And how sain is still alive is beyond me.)

Guy's seasick again. I almost feel sorry for Matthew since he's the one covered in Guy's vomit. Guess he didn't make it to the ship's edge in time. Hannah (that old hag who hangs around in Merlinus tent...)

Ok, I'm on a boat, in the middle of the ocean, with about 20 or more different people. Nothing exciting is going on... I'm bored. Very bored. I'm not allowed to stop writing until I've done at least a page but there isn't anything going on. I'm going to try looking around, but I highly doubt I'll find anything.

That didn't do any good. Serra thinks I'm spying on her and Raven threatened to toss me over board if I followed him around again. It's actually sort of fun to tick that guy off... He's mostly hot air but he doesn't take his hits. Loser.

Is this a page yet? Apparently not... Everyone is either sleeping or crying (I can't blame Eliwood, his father died last night.) and-

Hi my naame is Nils andi hwant to right in Erk's journ-

Ok, remember Ninian? That's her little brother, Nils. He's a bard (he hops around and plays his flute all day and it somehow encourages us to go on. It's actually sort of helpful... unless you're a pegasus knight) and he CAN be very annoying if he and Kate are the only ones on deck besides you.

Guy's spewing noises are starting to get to me so I'm going below. This should qualify for a page, minus all the spaces and Nils' note I left.

Anime Sage, Erk

Day 3

Weather is Cold and Foggy. Again.

Location is I Don't know, Don't care, I want sleep.

Why is she making me write in this after she nearly got me KILLED today? I don't know, that's Kate for you. Well, ok, it wasn't entirely her fault (no one could see those 5 archers in the bastilas on the other side of the wall) and making me rush into things sometimes IS a bit much...

At least I gain a lot of experience... STILL I'm tired and I want sleep and Nils is getting on my nerves and I'm about to take that flute and-

Nevermind, Raven got to him first. It doesn't look pretty outside, not at all...

Rules with Raven…

One If Raven is mad, RUN

Two Raven is awake, RUN

Three Raven is breathing, RUN

Four Raven is sleepy and in his pink bunny pajamas, laugh. Blame on Sain. then RUN.

He's an interesting guy... but I'm done, Don't care if its a page or not, I'm crashing in Kate's bed and making her sleep on the floor.

Anima Sage, Erk

Day 4

Weather is Rainy and slightly humid

Location is 40 miles north of the sea, 3 days walk southeast of Ostia

No battle today, finally. We could all use a break, except I think Bartre is going insane. This morning he announced at breakfast that he wants to become a Pegasus knight and tried to mount Florina's pegasus. Luckily the winged horse kicked him backwards into Merlinus tent and no one has seen him since. No one is brave enough to rescue him from the tent either.

So its raining and there's no fight. Lowen broke out the cards so once again Sain is cheating (he's horrible at it. 5 aces? yeah right) and Kent, Guy, and Matthew just continue on as always without them.

Fiora keeps wondering in here and gives me this gaze and says "Can I help you with anything, Erky?" No, woman, go away. The only one that can get away with calling me "Erky" is Kate but that's because I'm allowed to stay in her tent instead of sharing one with Raven, Lucius, and Sain. The next time Fiora comes in here, I'm going to "help" her with a thunder spell.

Not really, I don't kick girls. If they're advesaries, though, I will either a.) torch them b.) shock them. Raven's up and about again. He wants to join in the card game but Kent's being rather reluctant about it. I wouldn't want to play cards with Raven either. Lowen's a sore enough loser as it is.

Ninian, Serra, and Priscilla are worried head over heals about Nils. I'm assuming he's sick or something (it IS raining) but i don't understand why the girls like to swarm over the midget or something... not like I care or anything.

Bartre's trying to become a pegasus knight again. I don't know how (I really don't wantto know how either) he escaped from Merlinus' tent but that horse is just going to clabber him again. I'm starting to think there are very few sane people among our crew. I guess this is what happens when you haven't had any decent place to sleep or food to eat in over a number of weeks.

I think this qualifies for a page. I'm going to go look over my thunder book before Fiora comes back.

Anima Sage, Erk


	2. Entries 6 through 8 5 does not exist

Disclaimer: Don't own FE and there are a lot of people happy for that, too.

Note: I accidentally reposted Day 4 and 5 as the same chapter, so I decided to take out the 5th chapter in here. Sorry for any problems. I also corrected more grammar stuff. There's bound to be more things wrong with it. Forgive me. I suck.

* * *

Day 6 

Weather is Sunny and slightly cold (I don't get the weather here)

Location is The village of Cyprus, 2 days southeast of Ostia

I swear if Lucius bothers me to go shopping one more time I'm going to set him on fire and chuck him in the river. After a minor squabble this morning with a couple of stupid bandits (and another misdemeanor courtesy of our new "pegasus knight" Bartre), Merlinus informed us we were out of supplies.

SO Lucius (or Lucifer in disguise, he's almost as annoying as Fiora) fights with his hair, and runs over to me, and shrieks "ERK LETS GO SHOPPING!"

No thanks. Shopping isn't bad unless you're going with a guy that's mistaken for a woman on a regular basis. We're not just talking looks here. The guy is NUTS.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm slightly irritated and easily annoyed today. I'm only writing in this to get my mind off my left leg.

No-hit-takie-horsie-rider-guy + lance + Erk's leg dead horsie rider guy and Erk in very much pain

Serra refuses to heal me completely because she STILL thinks I'm stalking her. I was bored on the ship and I was trying to find something interesting and she's a major gossip!

Great. Fiora's wondering around the tent AGAIN and wants to know "Is there anything I can do for you, Erky?". She's really starting to get annoying. Maybe I should pull out that Nosafera…thing and use her for target practice.

Better idea. Tell Raven Fiora likes him. THAT will get her off me.

Anima Sage, Erk

* * *

Day 7 

Weather is warm and sunny.

Location is the same bloody place as yesterday

My leg is feeling MUCH better, but I'm not exactly sure about Fiora. Bartre nearly broke her pegasus' back and it has delayed us a day's walk in order for it to recover. Hey, at least she forgot about me for the time being.

Nothing else new is going on. Fancy that. I lied. Raven got into a bar fight (he was drunk) and set fire to a peasant's barn. He was thrown in jail this morning and Eliwood had to bail him out. There went half of the new supplies.

Nils has been talking NON STOP. He keeps wandering in and out of tents, asking random questions and interrupting people. Normally we don't mind (the girls don't, they think its so "cute") but it's those really annoying questions like

"If a rooster crows in the morning, which way will it fall off the roof at noon and get struck by lightning?"

Ok, not that retarded, but I think you get my point. I let down the tent curtains and blew out all the lamps except for this one in hoping that he thinks I'm asleep. (Kate isn't in here or else Kent would get suspicious and burst in here.)

Guy really needs a new sword. That old Killing Edge he had bit the dust this morning (thanks to Sain trying to use it for cooking. Who knew weapons took hits against THAT?) So he's been moody all morning, which made Matthew moody. Oh well, don't care. They ran off to their little tent and no one's seen them since. Not even Nils will venture into the tent.

Kate wants me to go out to lunch with Ninian, Wil, Lucius, and herself. Maybe if it was just her and Ninian I wouldn't have a problem, but Wil doesn't shut up and Lucius is annoying as all living... Well she's paying for it so never mind.

Hopefully we'll be back on the road tomorrow. Pfft. Yeah right.

Anima Mage, Erk

* * *

Day 8 

Weather is dark and dreary

Location is one day south of Ostia.

Very long battle today. Nils passed out in the middle of the floor from a lack of energy and ironically (uh huh) a bunch of wyverns and horsemen attacked us. One of the wyvern riders joined us (his name is Heath) and well... he seems to be the equivalent of a male pegasus knight...

Aside from Bartre but I'm not getting into that.

Guy was injured pretty badly. He took a nasty blow to the side thanks to an archer in a ballista (I HATE those, really I do. They're like Sains with sharp pointy sticks.) and even after Serra and Priscilla (even I equipped a mending rod to help out) healed him, he's still out for awhile. Not good at all. Matthew, of course, was snappy for the rest of the evening. Big surprise there, huh?

Hector and Rebecca seem to be a bit edgy. They're very in tune to each others feelings (ugh, romance. NOT for me thank you.) and Hector's iffy about going to Ostia, which makes Rebecca nervous. That or she's just pmsing, one or the other.

Alright. THAT'S IT! Fiora is going DOWN! She obviously does NOT get that point that I don't need help with anything and I don't have an injuries prior to the one 2 days ago!

Sometimes she can be flat out annoying but if I even TRY to shock her, Kent or Eliwood will slaughter my hide. I'm going to tell Kate that she keeps coming in here to steal something or whatever...

Maybe I could tell her Fiora was the one taking her chocolates (even though I caught Nils in here this morning, red handed.) that might set her off. Don't get me wrong, I'm not evil or anything. Heh.

But seriously! Having a pegasus knight (sure, Fiora's cute to an extent) wondering in here begging you for... you know... every five minutes is EXTRMELY annoying.

Kate's griping that she wants to go to bed so I have to hit the sack. She's had a long day and Matthew keeps telling her it's her fault for Guys' injuries. If Kent didn't shoot daggers at me I would have set the bastard on fire...

Anima Sage, Erk

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Thanks for reading! 


	3. Entries 9 through 12

I am SO SORRY for not reposting these entries sooner. I have a nasty little semester of college that required 95 of my time to be at school. No worries, summer is here, and hopefully you all haven't forgotten about Rekka No Ken with the new GBA FE coming out just around the corner.

I hope you havent' forgotten me, either! -cries- I'm considering FE8 fanfiction. We'll see! Love ya

Lady Kate

* * *

Day 9

Weather: Very Very HOT

Location: Desert west of Ostia, too hot to remember the name.

It's hot. I don't want to write. WHY Kate is making me write I don't know. I'm not going to write today because it is very, very hot. So, I'm going to stop now.

And write a bunch tommorow. Now excuse me while I go whack Nils upside the head for getting on my nerves. I called off sick for the fight this morning, too hot to fight. SO Kate's making me baby-sit Nils so he doesn't take her chocolate. Stupid dragon kid.

Day 10

Weather: Cold and Rainy

Location: Pharae Castle

Thank god for doors that lock. Unless Fiora uses her slut powers to trick Matthew (ha) into unlocking the door, she can't get in here and try to molest me.

Kate says I jipped her out of a decent entry yesterday so I have to make up for it TODAY by posting a long one. Good thing something actually happened, too. I'll have something to complain about. (she says that's what I mostly do. Excuse me and my sarcasm, miss tactician lady.)

Let's see... Yesterday after that retarded battle in the sand we picked up a couple stragglers (don't let them read this, Lord Pent will fry my hide), also known as Hawkeye (the guy with no shirt and grammar like "Me fight, you die" and they call him "Lord Hawkeye" ...yeah.), and of course, Lord Pent (my former master) and his blonde wife, Louise.

Lord Penthouse, hahahaha. That's my one and only perverted joke, not even I could pass that up. Sorry. I think someone drugged my food. It was probably Serra, she still thinks I'm out to get her.

Anyway, yes, we're FINALLY staying in a castle. Castle Pharae, to be exact, aka Eliwood's house. Lyn "insisted" to the point of nearly molesting Eliwood in front of his dear sweet mother (who looks sort of like me. I'm scared.) until he agreed.

Only problem was that I had to fight Kent about sharing a room with Kate. Ok, I don't like sharing a room with Wil because he's annoying, Nils is a pain in the butt, Raven is abusive and will only share a room with his sister (he thinks we don't know they're related.), and Lucius... ew.

Bla bla who cares, Kent should be more worried about Lyn sneaking into Bartre, Hawkeye, Dart, and Marcus' room. Really, I think Eliwood is using her as coverup for his little "play times" he has with Ninian.

The pegasi are doing much better, though. Bartre has sort of given up (for the time being) on trying to become a pegasus knight and now, he wants to become a Cleric. I hope he has fun trying to convince Serra to help him. I'm trying to get Sain to teach her (without him getting kicked in bad spots) how to use a lance or something to knock off Bartre and even make herself more useful on the battlefield. Being in Serra's presence is enough to drive anyone insane after five minutes... Just think of how useful (or deadly) she'd be if she could use a weapon.

Ahahaha Fiora is knocking on the door but she can't come in. Stupid little pegasus knight. I love locked doors-

And she brought MATTHEW with her oh my god!

Anima Sage Erk

Day 11

Weather: cold and snowy

Location: Pharae Castle still

Guess what? We're STILL in the castle (and this time I have trapped the door. It's set on Fiora lock only and if she tries to open the door, she'll shock herself with my thunder. Who knew that spell was in the book?)

I swear that woman is out to get me. WHY can't she molest... Sain or something? Someone who actually WANTS to... nevermind, ew, I want to keep my braincells and not expel them due to vision of Sain-

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT think of something else, Erk, think... It's snowing. Yeah. That's why we're still in the castle. That and Guy caught a fever and Matthew blamed it on Kate until Kent reprimanded him. Serves him right, if you ask me. Ever since Guy took that one blow to his side he's been on Kate's back ever since. If Guy would even blink funny he's all "Kate you nearly got him killed!" and on and on. OR even worse, I could taunt him with exposing his "secret" that he thinks no one knows but everyone actually does know (sort of like the whole Raven and Priscilla thing, along with Eliwood and Ninian, all that stuff.)

Raven insisted on having a battle practice. IN THE FLUXING SNOW. The teams were poorly picked (Nils was a captain and Kent was the other. Come on... the midget refused to shut up until we allowed him to be captain.)

Ok, I thought Nils was annoying before, but he got worse. Alright, all the midget does is hop around and play his stupid flute. And what does he do? It's his turn (I'm on Kent's team) and he's the last to go. Story time!

It was snowing at Castle Pherae as Erk stood shivering in the snow. His cloak was wrapped tightly around him as he shivered, waiting for Kent to instruct his next move. This was pretty damn annoying to Erk, and with Nils hoping around him and playing his flute was not making things any better.

"MWA HA HA!" Nils cackled, "I will destroy you, Erk!"

"No you won't." Erk yawned. He was cold, tired, and extremely annoyed.

Suddenly without warning, Nils flute flew out and smacked Erk upside the head. The mage stumbled back a bit surprised, his hand clinging to his face.

Now Erk was not only cold, tired, and annoyed, he was also pissed off, too.

"AHAHAHAHA!" Nils snorted as he twirled his flute in the air. "You will face my song of doom!"

"Shut up and move already." Erk said through gritted (and slightly chattering) teeth. Nils smirked and drew the flute to his mouth, then hopped around Erk in a fairy like fashion. Sparklies came out of the flute and swirled around Erk, who in turn let go of his cloak and reached for his fire tome.

"HA!" Nils smirked, "TAKE THAT YOU FOOL!"

"You do understand that I can move now and you can't, right?"

"…oh noes…"

You can guess what happened next. And, of course, Priscilla, Serra, Ninian, Rebecca, Louise, Lyn, Florina, Fiora, and even Lucius (why? don't know) are mad at ME. Kate thought it was pretty funny, she was cracking up for hours while she sat bandaging my arm (I shouldn't have convinced Sain to teach Serra how to use a lance...) because the clerics refused to cure me.

Next time, don't let Nils be captain and force me into this sort of thing ELIWOOD. I hate girls sometimes... they're all "Don't hurt Nils!" and he gets away with everything (unless its with Kate)

Hm... maybe I can convince her to send him into a pit of archers and have Fiora rescue him... I like that plan.

Anima Sage Erk

Day 12

Weather: Blizzard

Location: Pharae Castle

Alright, we're still here. Why? Because Eliwood is sick and its snowing like tommorow will never come. (and at this rate it won't be for Fiora. The stupid girl had Canas deactivate my door alarm.)

At least we won't be going outside to have any practice battles. My arm is hurting pretty bad still (Why did Serra have to hit my right arm?) and its not looking too good either. I might not be able to write for a couple of days after this.

Serra and Priscilla still refuse to cure it against infections because of Nils bashing at ME yesterday. Stupid little... Kate wants to go down to lunch and she thinks I'll faint if I stay here by myself. I think I'm done writing for the day, WHY did Serra have to hit my writing arm?

Anima Sage Erk


	4. Entries 13 through 20

Sorry for the long wait. Cheers. Nintendo owns.

* * *

Day 13

Weather: Cold, snowed in

Location: Guess...

Sorry about the minor entry yesterday. If Kate sees that she's going to bash me for it so I'll probably be hiding for a while.

We're snowed in. Great. Nils wants to go outside to play in the snow but not even Priscilla or Serra wants to take him out, so the little whelp has been whining and throwing hissy fits all morning until Raven finally clobbered him. (Of Course the Nils Protection Group attacked him viciously for that, but at least_ I_ found it very amusing.)

Kate's sitting here bandaging up Raven (Priscilla is helping out of the goodness of her poor little heart) while I sit here and laugh at him. HA! Maybe this snowed in thing is good and having these people in here to keep Nils at bay...

I have successfully managed to avoid Fiora for over a day and a half now. Well, we're not counting yesterday's dinner when she wanted to know if I needed any help eating (my right arm sort of has a gash in it thanks to Serra and a Lance.) and when I told her off she got up and came over to me ANYWAY. I hate women. I really do. Of course, Marcus told her to sit down and assured her I was fine (she wasn't too happy about that at ALL) and then began ranting about how hard the "War" was back during the days of Lycia War II when the Marquess of Laus tried to create a dictatorship. I think he's gone senile, but that's just me.

Bartre has now decided he wants to be a Valkyrie. In the end I think he's going to be a healer on a pegasus knight or something retarded. Maybe dead, who knows?

Maybe if he DOES become a healing Pegasus, we can send Nils into attack at the archers, send Bartre into heal Nils, and then send Fiora into rescue Nils and Bartre.

I'm being nice here. It can be a pit of archers with iron bows, not bastillas.

Lucius is wearing this funny light blue paint on his nails. I'm not sure where he got it, but when he tripped on his robes (ha) this morning he fell and chipped one of his nails. Ok, who cares? He started screaming and throwing a fit in the middle of the room and shouted "I BROKE A NAIL!" and then shocked the life out of Sain (that was funny) before he went sobbing back to his room.

Right. Well, I think I'm going to go some place else for a while. Raven is screaming and throwing a hissy fit and if I don't leave he's going to beat me with a candlestick. I just hope I don't run into Fiora. Anima Sage, Erk

Day 18

Weather: We've been snowed in for nearly five days.

Location: Closet in a corridor of Pharae Castle

We're still, stuck in Castle Pharae. Even though I do enjoy the kind hospitality of the queen and the comfort of a nice warm bed, I'm getting sick and tired of Nils following me around everywhere. Raven used "friendly persuasion" (i.e. slamming me into a wall and holding a dagger up to my throat and threatening me), to watch Nils for the weekend. Apparently this was on behalf of the others (why Kent couldn't come tell me this was beyond me) because I tried taking it up with Eliwood, but he "insisted" on it.

So, thanks to Raven, my entire weekend consisted of babysitting Nils. It was living hell from the beginning when he tried to write in my diary (that explains why I haven't written in it, or just a petty cover up for Kate and her little vacation) so I wound up trying to hide my journal from him for a couple of days. He forgot about it (ha) and THEN wanted to play follow the leader (it was more like "let's follow Erk around and annoy the living crap out of him every second we get! Yippee!")

Ha. I tricked Nils into trailing after Lucius by convincing him he had chocolate stashed away in his room.

That would explain why I'm hiding in a closet in a random corridor I will not state in Castle Pharae. Lucius caught Nils in his room (everything was a mess so you can just imagine what state Lucius was in), and ran crying to none other than, Raven. So Raven is out for my blood and I'm hiding in this corridor until Kate and Priscilla calm him down.

Maybe I can find Fiora and use her as a human shield... too scary, I'll just wait here.

Anima Sage, Erk

Day 19 Weather: Warm

Location: Northeast of Pharae Castle

We're finally on the road again and Lucius is already complaining that he wants to go back to the castle and take a bath. We were stuck in that castle for only God knows how long (6 days) and the minute we get out, we want to go back.

Louise keeps winking at Wil. I'm becoming slightly disturbed at all the little innuendos I'm seeing. I guess this is what happens when you travel around with a bunch of people over the age of 15. Well, Sain has the mentality of a 6 year old, but I don't think he uses his head to think considering it's empty (no spider webs, either. He's that stupid.)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Lord Pent just shocked the daylights out of Nils. Of course, the NPG attacked so we're currently at a stand still (that's why I'm writing) so Eliwood and Hector can sort things out. Apparently, Nils was trying to sneak some arrows off of Louise but Lord Penthouse thought Nils was trying to get something out of his wife. Still, very amusing.

I think the NPG might be starting an alliance against magicians. That won't be pretty.

Heath keeps trying to swoon Fiora with flowers and poems but she won't have any of it. He should try Florina. She could always use more people to help her take over the world (yeah right). If Fiora thinks she can get something out of me, all she's getting is a fire spell straight up her-

I hate Bartre. Using me as bait to try his "healing" spells on is not a good idea. Why? Here's the story.

Erk was calmly sitting on a rock, minding his own business while the Lords Eliwood and Hector engaged in a tenacious catfight with the Nils Protection group. All of a sudden, a large rock came flying out of nowhere and nailed Erk in the back. Nils burst out laughing.

"HAHAHAHAAHAHA ERK GOT HIT BY A ROCK HAHAHAHAHAA-" Slip. Slide. CRASH! "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NINIAN!"

Growling, Erk turned around and glared at Bartre. "What the flux are you doing?"

"Argh, I'm tryin' out me healin' spells!" Bartre was dressed in an outfit similar to Lucius, only most of the seams were busted and his overly muscular body was bulging out of these seams, making Bartre look rather… more disgusting than usual. "Hold still, laddie! If all else fails I can take ye to Merlinus' tent ta fix ye up!" Fiora chose a lovely time to fly in.

"Or maybe I can help you, Erky?" The oldest of the three Pegasus knight sisters cooed. Erk swallowed hard as he watched her jump off her Pegasus and walk towards him in a rather provocative manor. Remembering that he could care less about how rules are supposed to work, Erk yanked his healing stave out of his bag, healed himself, and then made a mad dash to the other side of camp.Yeah. That's what happened. Looks like the battle is dissolved, finally. Kent broke it up. Maybe he should be the leader (or me), since we're apparently among the only competent ones here. No battle encounters yet for the day, just walking.

Eliwood makes a crappy looking peasant, by the way. We're dressed as peasants... I don't know why, considering they never tell us any of the plans. Maybe I'll drag it out of Kate later.

Will someone please explain to me why Lucius is dressed in women's clothing? Better yet, don't. I don't really want to know...

Anima Sage, Erk

Day 20 Weather: Cold and cloudy

Location: East of Pharae Castle

What fun this is. Apparently, we're on the road to Eturia. Great. I'll make a mental note not to stop by my house so my mother can't embarrass me any worse than Lucius already does.

Nils fell out of a tree earlier this morning (he actually believed me when I told him there was a monkey god hiding some chocolate in it) and busted his ankle. He cried and demanded I be burned at the stake for about ten minutes until Priscilla gave him some candy. Then he shut up.

Of course, Eliwood tried to lecture me about how I shouldn't be mean to Nils (I think the NPG put him up to that.) and I should apologize. I asked him if he ever apologized to a chicken and he said no and asked why. I don't think he thought I was serious when I told him a chicken and Nils had the same mental capacity, therefore I shouldn't have to apologize to Nils for being a gullible chicken child.

Hector is carrying Nils about and trying to keep him happy. I'm sort of sick of the happy little "leader" group consisting of Hector, Eliwood, Lyn, Matthew, Ninian, and Nils. I don't really care that they're royalty and all, but they're taking all the credit for the work that the rest of us do. And, of course, once Lord Penthouse and his blonde wife join the party they're immediately accepted into Eliwood's little clique.

Oh well, I don't care. Really, who in the right mind would want to hang around a guy who can't make up his mind about anything and has to nag the tactician about everything including which tree to take a leak on only to end up deciding for himself?

Lucius is mad at me for something stupid again. He/she/it spat miserably at me this morning that Fiora is accusing him/her/it of trying to hook her up with Hawkeye and Raven so that he/she/it can have me all to him/her/itself.

Ok, I'm pretty sure Lucius is a guy, and I don't swing that way. If you want the whole shounen-ai yaoi package thing, go find Matthew and Guy. I can't stand Fiora to begin with and even if Lucius IS a girl (I think he's a guy) no NO this is getting REALLY disturbing!

Oh great. Lord Penthouse and Kate are having some huge fight and I don't think they know that they're screaming RIGHT OVER MY HEAD AND HURTING MY EARS! God... its something stupid about Lord Pentyhose (ha) thinks I should carry Nils as punishment for Nils being an idiot while Kate says Nils should have left me alone in the first place and its his fault he broke his foot.

Serra speared my arm and no one made her drag me around! Thank god for that, too. Scary thought. I'm going to go tell Bartre Fiora gave him permission to use her Pegasus for training to make me feel better. Then, just for kicks, I'll probably tell Wil (if he can ever stop giggling) that he can use Bartre for target practice.

Anima Sage, Erk


	5. Entries 21 through 25

I apologize for not updating this as much as I should. I had one heck of a nasty semester but no worries! It's over now! I'm hoping to dedicate this summer to catching up on all my Fire Emblem stuff and I have a continuing goal to finish The Diary of Erk. I really should go through with that hehe… Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword is the best FE game ever and the most fun to write crack!fics about! Also, I might not be writing a whole lot of Path of Radiance fan fiction like I have planned. Between work and school and me not being a lazy bum, it's hard. BUT! New laptop. New goals. New SCREEN I CAN ACTUALLY SEE. So here are more old entries from EJ. As always, chat logs have been edited out for the cranky admin peoples and the dorks who feel like reporting me for no reason. Minor things have been changed (like my terrible grammar).

* * *

Day 21

Weather: Rain, rain, more rain… did I mention rain!  
Location: Some random guy's house

First it snows and then it rains. We can't win. Halfway through the battle the enemies we were up against spazzed and claimed things like "Ew, its raining, I'm getting all wet and my hair gel is running eeek!" and ran off so our fight is postponed until tomorrow. Joy.

And, to make matters worse, Bartre decided to test out his cleric skills on Nils instead of heading into the village like he was supposed to. Thus the village was sacked and we have no inn to stay in.

We're now stuck in some random-guy -who-doesn't-want-us-to-be-here's house. You'd think Luicus would be a little more grateful for getting out of the rain but no! He/she/it's complaining about the beds being lumpy and the water is too cold. I'm hoping the guy who owns the place will kick him/her/it out and we could watch he/she/it run, scream, cry, and maybe wind up in Merlinus' tent.

Crap. I think I'm getting a cold. This is NOT going to be any fun. Oh yes, Sain was put in charge of keeping Nils occupied this morning (it's become a chore, its sad, really) so he decided to tell him where rain comes from. (Yay for my random topic change.) Nils is extremely gullible (I proved that yesterday) and when Sain told him that rain is actually angels in heaven taking a leak on the world, Nils believed him. I'm scared of what Sain will tell Nils where snow comes from.

Raven and Heath aren't on speaking terms. Apparently, Heath rescued Priscilla this morning during our "fluke" of a battle (I'm confused as to why she can fight again, but I don't care.) and according to Raven, no one is allowed to rescue his sister but him. Funny, as he spends a lot of time trying to AVOID her in the first place. (And Priscilla paid ME to protect her to begin with. Oh well. I don't do refunds unless its a banshee like Serra.)

Ninian tried to talk me into being nice to Fiora today. In retaliation, I tried to talk Ninian into selling Nils off at the nearest armory because we're low on money and can't afford to feed him. She got angry and slapped me before storming out of the room. Sain thought it was pretty funny until I made him a little crispy.

So not only does my cheek hurt, but my arm still hurts, my leg still doesn't work too well, and I'm getting sick. I'm contemplating on calling in sick next battle, but I don't want to babysit Nils again. I shall force Sain to do that, mwa ha ha.

Unless it snows. Then I'm going to hide.

Anima Sage, Erk

* * *

Day 22

Weather: Cold. Rainy. Stupid. Argh.  
Location: Still at the stupid guy's house.

Just when I thought I had gotten rid of Canas, the guy comes BACK. Sorry to say (no, not really) but Canas and I? We don't like each other very much. (I hate the guy.)

Since you probably don't know the story (considering Kate forced me into this thing around the time we were leaving Dread Isle) I might as well tell you.

I have too much time on my hands, don't I?

So the story goes that we're in the port town of Badon and Lucius (ick) Serra (yuck) and I are all traveling on the outside of town (some chick from the bar tipped us off) trying to get to the captain when out of NO where this... guy... Starts following us. Usually I lead the little group since Lucius is incompetent and Serra is about as useful as Nils on sugar (should say Nils PERIOD.), but no, this "Canas" guy decides he's going to lead. Let's see if I can remember it correctly...

"Good day to you, young mage!" Canas called out cheerfully to the violet-haired boy leading a group of mages. "Might I join you in your little quest?" Erk just stood there with his usual annoyed expression on his face, trying to decide whether or not he should answer the shaman.

"No." he finally said and turned to go, but he came to a dead halt when Serra opened her big mouth.

"That means yes!" Serra beamed, and Erk suddenly hit the pavement like a ton of bricks, "Erk is such a good boy, except when he's busy being a a gloomy body!" Serra was met with a cold, scary glance from her escort, but her low intelligence and high vanity level kept her from noticing this.

"Thank you, milady!" Canas said as cheerfully as ever. "This way please!"

"Er... excuse me," Erk, who was back on his feet, protested, "I'm leading the group here."

"Huh? Well, I think I should lead. I AM the oldest here."

"Don't care."

"That means he's ok with it." Serra shouted, but this was only making Erk even madder.

"IT DOES NOT!"

" Well I'm glad you're seeing things my way. Maybe you should follow my example every now and then, you might learn a few things."

"Gr…" Erk clenched his fists tightly. He did not like this Canas guy. Canas made him made, cranky, and he wanted to nothing more than to shock the hell out of him with his new thunder tome. However, these thoughts were cut shore when sudden cheering was heard across town. All the while Serra was making his life more of a living hell, Lucius had gone on ahead and reached the captain on his own.

"Yay!" Lucius cheered.

"Good job Lucius!" Eliwood said in a rather girly-like voice, "Here, have a cookie!"

"WE LOVE YOU LUCIUS!" The rest of the Eliwood's Elite shouted. Balloons and streamers and funny colored things flew around and everyone started to sing some corny song.

Very slowly, Erk turned to face Canas, his eye switching severely. "I hate you…"

Ok, I exaggerated a little bit but who cares. My point is Canas is back and thinks I should mind him like he's my master or something. I hope he doesn't try to take over my journal. I'll have to end up sleeping in the same room with Lucius again and what will I ever do with all my extra free time? First part of that sentence was not sarcasm. Just so you know.

Speaking of Lucius… Minor battle today (We're not progressing at all. Really.) in which he nearly got Guy killed. So naturally Matthew goes all beserk on Lucius and blames every little thing on him. So the bright ...monk...thing... decides he's going to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.

Of a 1 story house.

And window is 2 inches off the ground.

I don't care if I'm starting sentences with prepositions and conjunctions.

Lucius currently thinks he's dead so just to keep Matthew off his back, Hector said we have to act like he's dead. Poor Nils. He really DOES think Lucius is dead.

Still don't like Nils. Or Canas. Now I have to go fend of Fiora because she thinks I'm "greatly disturbed by the loss of my best friend". Lucius isn't my best friend. If he was, I'd have jumped out that window myself. Of course, I wouldn't have gotten very far, but that's not the point.

HA HA HA. New news. Eliwood tripped over a chicken outside this morning while walking into town. Half of the town snickered at him as he cradled the chicken and apologized. That is the highlight for my day.

Anima Sage, Erk.

* * *

Day 23

Weather: Warm. Sunny. Wee.  
Location: Some village south of Bern.

Isadora was having a lot of trouble trying to keep Marcus under control today. People can no longer travel through Bern (or any neighboring villages) freely anymore unless you have a pass. So Marcus starts spitting out pointless facts or something about how they did this back in some war where they had to have their passes in red ink and not black ink and people were getting shot at and who cares.

Of course, not only do we have to have a pass but every other person has to get checked or something for weapons, and its completely random. WE'RE AN ARMY. OF COURSE WE'RE GOING TO HAVE WEAPONS.

All the checker people were women. I'm feeling rather violated now, but I think Sain enjoyed the little frisking party. …I wonder where we hid all our weapons? …I think I'm better off not knowing, actually.

There's also some rumors that the prince of Bern is having some sort of coming-of-age party (i.e. his 18th birthday party. Maybe I should tell Fiora the prince is hiring a stripper.) and of course, Lord Penthouse and Louise are invited because Louise is related to the prince's mum.

I wonder if Lucius is related somehow. He and Louise are both blonde and quite stupid.

I tricked Lucius into giving me 500 gold pieces in which I paid Raven to go trade to Rebecca in exhange for what exactly is going on. Supposedly we're searching for the "Shrine of Seals" that Archsage Athos (aka Santa Claus) wants us to go find. Marcus swears its some war memorial but Serra whacked him with her lance.

Of course, Lord Penty has tried looking for this place before but he came back empty handed and all his men were killed. Something tells me he let Louise command the troups. That or his long-lost cousin Lucius.

OH MY GOD! Ok, I swear to GOD we're all going to die now. Ok, do you remember Hannah? Our fortune teller lady? The old hag madly in love with Kent? Well the gossip is that she and Merlinus broke up or something so she's leaving and we have a NEW person to give us advice on who should or shouldn't go into battle.

Guess who her replacement is?

Nils.

OF ALL THE PEOPLE HERE it just HAD to be Nils!

We're screwed. Maybe I should go jump out that window with Lucius after all.

Anima Sage, Erk

* * *

Day 24

Weather: Cold. Dark. Hey, it's nighttime!  
Location: You have two guesses. One doesn't count.

Ok, I think Eliwood needs to rethink his battle strategy. Our intelligent new Augurtist... (is that even a word?) came up with some brilliant plan and Eliwood told Kate to give it a chance. Naturally she thought the advice sucked. Here's a little bit of what happened.

"Send the purple haired girl into the sea of arrows, she will fend well." Nils said in a random mystical chanty voice.

"Pegasus knights don't stand a chance against archers, Nils." Kate was not impressed.

"Fiora might, you never know." Erk mumbled under his breath, but he noticed that Kate had found herself stifling a grin. Sadly, Nils noticed this.

"Do not send the pigheaded magician into battle, he will only cause great harm!" Again with the annoying mystical chanty thing.

"Lord Pent left yesterday, Nils. Sorry." Erk smiled sarcastically. This really set off Nils.

"ELIWOOD!"

"I think we should try Nils advice." Eliwood sighed heavily, "Really, has Nils ever steered us wrong before?"

" ...Do you really want me to answer that?" Erk spoke for both him and Kate.

" ...No," Eliwood said rather quickly, then tried to convince the two into testing out Nils' new ability. "but Nils and Ninian have the ability to sense danger and probably know what's best in battle."

"That explains why they've been kidnapped constantly." Erk rolled his eyes.

"Do you want latrine duty, Erk?" Eliwood's eyes narrowed into slits.

"No, sir." Erk gritted his teeth.

"Then I suggest you hold your tongue and listen to what Nils has to say."

"YEAH Erk!" Nils stuck his tongue out at Erk before he turned his attention back to Kate and Eliwood.

"oooooooooOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo Erky got reprimanded!" Lucius grinned.

"Don't use reprimand, Lucius." Erk wasn't phased by this at all. "That type of vocabulary is too difficult for you to comprehend."

" Ok…" Lucius bit his lower lip.

"LUCIUS! YOU'RE ALIVE!" Nils shrieked and suddenly glomped the monk.

"Sticky fingers! Ew! Off the robes! Just washed! HELP!"

"Lucius just contracted idiotitus." Erk quickly thought up. "It's very contagious and very deadly." He motioned to Lucius, who luckily, got the hint. Lucius began to cough and stagger, then fell over on the ground. Nils let go of the blonde before he hit the ground, then wipes his hands on his shirt."

"Won't you catch it though, Erk?"

" No. I'm immune to it. You might not be though, you had better be careful!" Erk warned him.

" You're right! I'm going inside! C'mon Eliwood, Kate, lets talk inside!" Nils grabbed the tactician and the Lord by the hands and dragged them inside. Eliwood turned back once to give Erk a warning look before he disappeared into the tent.

As you can see, Eliwood and I aren't the best of friends. Lucius thanked me (he glomped me... yeah.) for helping him call in sick on the battle today, but I don't think Fiora is too happy with me. She's got a good number of arrow scars now (I have a new found respect for Nils... ok it only lasted for five minutes.) and Kate isn't thrilled with having to use Nils for advice. I told her I could try to be the augury but she said I'd end up sending half of the team to their doom. It wouldn't be ALL of them... just Fiora. And Nils. Everyone else is pretty competent on the battlefield.

It's just OFF the battlefield is what scares me. Unless its Fiora or Nils. Then they're incompetent either way.

I think there is something wrong with Sain. We've been in the SAME village for what seems like over a decade and he hasn't gotten in trouble with Kent for sneaking 4 or 5 girls into his tent a night. I hope he hasn't seen "the light" like Matthew and Guy have. Ew, ew, ok, new thoughts Erk, Sain creepy, icky, gross, retarded.

Bartre wants his own pegasus. He wants to be a pegasus cleric valkryie thing or something... He tried to steal one of my fire spell books today but he ended up setting himself on fire (I have my books trapped i.e. if you touch the thunder spellbook, you get shocked, the fire spellbook you incinerate yourself, etc.) and then said he was going to pound me into the floor. It's not my fault if your hands wander someplace where they're not supposed to be. I have my books locked so that idiots like YOU don't torch down cities or turn into pikachus or something.

Don't ask me what a pikachu is. I got the term from Eliwood. He was drunk one night and was ranting about how he had a dream that he saw the future. It was something like he had a son who fought in this tournament against a bunch of different heroes from different lands and one of them was a yellow mouse that could use thunder attacks called a pikachu. (Then Guy whacked him upside the head and knocked him out because by then Eliwood was taking his clothes off.)

Like THAT is ever going to come true.

Anima Sage, Erk

* * *

Day 25 (note: many apologies to Eliwood fans. Eliwood and I have never gotten along and we probably never will. Sorry.)

Weather: Overcast but Dry  
Location: A house. I'm apparently "grounded"

There IS a battle going on currently, but thanks to Lord Eliwood I wasn't "allowed to participate until I learn to hold my tongue and show good sportsmanship to my fellow teammates, including Nils".

Bite me, princeling.

Kate had a cow. Ha. I have never seen Kate so pissed off before in my LIFE. She said it was bad enough that Lucius was "dead" and that Nils has to give her advice, but now that I'm out, she REALLY has it in for Eliwood. They had a huge fight this morning, too. It's still fresh in my mind, so… here goes.

Kate, Erk, Eliwood, and Marcus were all standing outside of the main tent. Erk and Kate were listening as Eliwood read off a piece of parchment. There was a rather smug and triumphant sound to the letter, but only the Lord himself would enjoy it.

" ...allowed to participate until he learns to hold his tongue and show good sportsmanship to his fellow comrades, including Nils." Eliwood rolled up the piece of parchment and handed it to Marcus.

" ...what?" Erk's eyes went wide.

"We have to go to battle in less than an hour! You can't do that!" Kate protested.

"Watch me." Eliwood stood firm with his arms folded over his chest.

"Oh ho I think not buddy! I'm the tactician here, NOT you, and NOT Nils!" Kate's tone of voice began to raise and she was pointing in all directions. The anger in her voice was enough to make Erk even back away slowly. Regardless, Eliwood stood his ground.

"Don't take that tone with me-" Eliwood began, but stopped when Kate was two inches from his face. She may have been shorter than him, but this was rather uncomfortable. Already the camp had gathered around to see what the fuss was about and he knew the troubles were only beginning. Still, he was in charge, regardless of her being the tactician and he was going to let her know it.

"I will take whatever tone I want with you, boy!" Sadly for Eliwood, Kate could care less. By now she was up and shouting in his face. "You may be a Lord and all, but out on the battlefield? You are under MY orders! THAT'S what you hired me for!" Kate stopped screaming and she was out of Eliwood's personal bubble, but that tone of authority was still with her. She turned to Nils and pointed to the ground next to her. "YOU. RIGHT HERE. NOW."

"Y-yes ma'am." Nils squeaked and scrambled over to the tactician.

"You're coming to the battle with me today. I'll teach you how to make correct predictions. I don't want anymore of this sending the Pegasus knights into pits of archers crap, understand?"

"Y-yes ma'am." Nils squeaked again.

"I'll allow Erk to sit this one out but ONLY this one out." Kate took in a deep breath and closed her eyes, then turned her attention to Erk. "Lay off Nils."

"I will if you keep him away from me." Erk grumbled, "I'm not a babysitter."

"Fine. Nils," Kate turned her attention to the scared child beside her, "I know Erk randomly antagonizes you for fun but you DO instigate half of what he does to you. You're not getting anymore sympathy for something you cause. You leave him alone, and he'll leave you alone. Are we clear?"

"Crystal, ma'am." Nils nodded.

"And YOU!" Kate's voice boomed again and Eliwood found himself unexpectedly walking backwards as Kate moved in on him. Erk had let out a small laugh but Lucius had elbowed him to keep quiet. Hector, however, thought this was the funniest thing he'd seen all morning and was almost in tears from laughing so hard.

"If you want to keep everyone alive and me around to KEEP you alive, you had BETTER stop this "protect Nils" organization crap going on around here." Kate jabbed a finger hard into Eliwood's chest. "If I find ONE more attack on someone for something Nils started, I'm taking it out with YOU. Do I make myself clear?" a low and rather scary growl emitted from Kate's last words and Eliwood found himself growing a new shade of red. He nodded, and Kate turned and marched off.

"You'll have to stay inside today." Kate snapped at Erk as she stormed by. "I'll take the account myself."

I sort of found it amusing. I'm sorry, I have this horrible and sick twisted sense of humor. (I think Kate is on PMS though, she went off on Lucius about missing an attack yesterday. Of course the he/she/it burst into tears and came crying to ME and yada yada)

On the brighter side, Kate dragged Nils out to the battlefield today to teach him how to augur battles properly. I have a strange feeling that isn't going to work out right.

I'm lounging about the place, watching Lucius and Lowen argue over something retarded. Serra "faked" her sprained ankle and even Bartre, the undefeated pegasus cleric valkyrie of justice, didn't want to go to battle today. Heck, even HECTOR came up with some stupid excuse that all his axes were broke and didn't have a weapon!

Even Ninian is here. Ok, anyone could tell that Nils is... incompetent, but it has to be brutal when his own sister won't fight for him. Lucius says he's starting to feel sorry for Nils and wishes he wasn't dead anymore. I told he/she/it that if he wanted to come back to life he'd have to go out to the battlefield and get killed to reverse the effect.

Thank God Eliwood isn't here. I'd have kitchen duty by now.

Or probably get stuck having to serve Fiora or something... Ew.

Anima Sage, Erk

* * *

Five Entries today.Enjoy. If I'm not a retard I'll have more up later this week. Kate


End file.
